Tuesday, November 15, 2005

This is the post I meant to post before I posted the other post...

(Just a quick note-- this is more or less the entry I wanted to make last week before my headache got the better of me and I went off to Rambling Wayne World. I say this only so you don’t think I’m capitalizing on an easy target and posting again just because I got actual comments on the previous and, by default, original entry. Not that this one is better (Heavens, no!). Anyway, here it is. Have a nice day.)

Today’s conspiracy Theory

The Theory:
Pat Robertson DOES have a direct link to God.

Scenario Numero Uno:
President Bush is friends with Pat Robertson. Jett (of LTA fame) is a KNOWN Bush detractor. Jett suffers a mysterious illness that causes him to spend the night at the slightly scary looking Belfast City Hospital where he eats porridge. Porridge is a popular food in orphanages. Pat Robertson LOVES orphans (eating them is the source of his secret powers). Jett is mysteriously “cured.”

Possible Conclusion:
The porridge is so full of the Love of God bestowed upon it by Robertson that Jett is able to miraculously walk out of the hospital under his own power less than 24 hours later.

Scenario Numero Dos:
Robertson calls for the assassination of the Venezuelan president. I write a blog condemning Robertson and ask for an “eye for an eye” response (Wink! Wink!) (See what I did there? Two jokes for the price of one!). Within minutes of posting I am struck down by one of the worst colds/flues that I have experienced in a long, long time. My chest tightens and it feels as if someone (the Devil?) is reaching down my throat and going WWF on my lungs. I “pray” as I bow in reverence over the toilet trying to expunge the demon within me. Pat Robertson uses a toilet to discard the by-products of orphan eating. I am mysteriously “cured” after drinking copious amounts of Meltus and meditating for 14 hours in total silence under the covers.

Possible Conclusion:
Armitage Shanks are stylish portals to the Almighty Power (i.e. Shit) that Pat Robertson preaches, and I am made whole again simply by puking all my evil-ness into the holy of holies.

So, as you can see from these two very convincing cases I have presented, Pat Robertson is NOT a man to be toyed with.

Unless of course he’s just your normal asshole and the rest is just coincidence.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

No, Robertson is an asshole. Nice one.

7:49 pm  
Anonymous Shane said...

LOL... You're not right man...

7:47 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the mental trip on that one. Now I don't need to experiment with hallucinogenic drugs.

- Jenny

8:05 pm  

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