Tuesday, January 10, 2006

All my prayers are for Phil

Day 2 (or is it 3?)

Cold...so very, very cold...

I have lost count of the hours since my incarceration. The guards deemed my crime of flogging unacceptable advertising space so blasphemous that I have been sent into solitary confinement. My only companion is a lone sewer rat I’ve named “Phil” for purely aggressive reasons. All day he scuttles in and out of the hole government contractors chipped into the floor for inmates to dispose of bodily fluids.

To pass the time I have trained Phil to act as courier between myself and the outside world. This message, written in excrement on a decomposing Chicklet box and tied to the wee bastard’s tail, will hopefully be delivered to Jett at Letter to America—as he is the only one privy to my blogger username and password.

This is how my day transpires:

Breakfast: Cold malleable porridge served with goat’s milk and pine shavings.

Countless hours of singing “99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall” and its Northern Ireland equivalent “99 Cellar Temperature Pints of Refreshing Guinness on the Back Garden Fencepost.”

Lunch: Algae licked from rusty bottle caps.

Spinning endlessly in circles to attain a “natural high.”

Dinner: Charred acne scabs served on a bed of lipids.

Ah, here’s comes Phil now. I kiss this parchment for luck (and vital nutrients) and hope that my message will be heard. Godspeed little Phil. Godspeed.


Anonymous Shane a.k.a. "Jefferson Davis" said...

Keep you chin up mate and stay away from Big Ben. LOL..

1:59 am  
Blogger WOA said...

Thanks for the kind words Shane. I'll do my best to perservere (or however you spell it...)

7:53 pm  
Blogger Phil said...

Funny that you name the rat 'Phil' due to your present animosity towards us, yet the rodent is the only friend you now have and your only lifeline to the outside world.

3:03 pm  
Blogger WOA said...

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...that's my motto, Phil (if that IS your real name...I'm gonna Google it the minute I get out of this craphole. Oh yes, you heard me. GOOGLE IT!!! Bwahahahahahahaha!)

3:12 pm  
Blogger WOA said...

it's funny that you, Phil, list Def Leppard in your interest section. I too, am a fan of the hair band, headbanger delight that is the leppard of deaf. I am proud of the fact that I was there for the recording of their "In the Round" video. Perhaps we have more in common that first believed. I await any solution you may have to our present delimma...delinma... problem. This jail cell is getting to me...

7:22 pm  

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