Sunday, January 08, 2006

I need you Playaz...

I write this from the cold cell that has become my home--a message scribbled onto coarse linen scraps I traded my body and dignity to attain. (Ben in laundry is expecting his "payment" soon so I shant dally. Time is of the essence.)


As many of you know the Playaz demanded that I change my name from Wayne to "Frank". At first I was fine with this arrangement. After all, what good has the name "Wayne" ever brought to anyone? Not counting Wayne Gretsky, Wayne Newton, John Wayne, Bruce Wayne and Wayne "Scrumpy Jack" the used car salesman on the corner of Colfax and Meridian, I'd say the name is more or less jinxed. Therefore, the chance to become new again was too much to resist. Of course I played the tough guy, threatening the Playaz (meaning none of it! I mean it!) and pushing their buttons purely out of badness until their only recourse was to take legal action and demand on the worldwide podcast of Letter to America that I "cease and desist" from using my Christian name.

So I did. I became Frank.

Unfortunately, I became Frank "Lazy Media Buyer" O'Malley, wanted in all six (or is it seven?) counties of Northern Ireland for selling poorly placed billboard space with limited visability to shopping mall tycoons.


So this was the scene (captured on poor quality CCTV) this morning as the Police Service Northern Ireland bull-rushed the agency in the small hours of the morning and found me rolling in piles of ill-gotten bank notes and snorting instant coffee granules. I fear that life, as I know it, has ended unless the Playaz lift their name embargo and let me become me again.

I only hope that this message will be heard before the damp excerbates the tuberculosis and Ben from Laundry finds me hiding beneath this pee-pee-stained mattress. That is all.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Shane a.k.a. "Jefferson Davis" said...

That's freking hilarious Frank, a.k.a. "Wayne".

1:21 am  
Blogger Phil said...

Geez, Frank...we're kind of busy.

Can it wait until this weekend?

2:17 pm  
Anonymous Shane a.k.a. "Jefferson Davis" said...

Cool, I wondered what happened to your blog yesturday. Now I know Frank, a.k.a. "Wayne".

7:57 pm  

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