Sunday, February 26, 2006

Letter to America is Cocked and Loaded...


Find Chapter 24 here

This is the paper where I read all about the "Reptile Smugglers in Link to Big Cat Trade" for this week's podcast of Letter to America. (It was the cool picture of the cobra that caught my eye. (Also note the professional looking mic that I get to use while co-hosting. Sweet!)) The saga continues here.

I don't know about you, but the thought of running across a puma while out on a nice little outing frightens me because I don't know where Ballymoney is. It could be on my way to work for all I know.

Anyway, this seems to be a very important topic that tens of people are talking about. I'll keep you all posted on any further developments.

UPDATE: The guys over at the Playaz Ball are having a tough time today, what with Don Knotts passing away into the death and everything. Go here to wish them well during this very difficult time.

Be strong, Playaz. Be strong.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Style--The WOA Way



Wayne Ordinary American, would like to bid you a hearty welcome to our fashion digest: “A Gentleman’s Guide to Spiffiness”.

Contained within this celestial treasure trove of style and flair are tips, advice and factual nuggets aimed at making the modern discerning gentleman a beacon of hope throughout the land. An inspiration as it were, to those whose sense of style seems to be mandated by the sniffing of glue and bathing in pig ruts.

BEHOLD!

Certainly bolstering one’s social standing is the aim of the modern class of sophisticate! It is with this in mind that we have created this essential guide allowing one to sidestep embarrassing fashion dilemmas as one would avoid carelessly discarded gum on the pavement.

We understand that the truly modern gentleman should be fully equipped to handle the delicate business of mixing and matching patterns and solid colours between shirts, suits, ties and accessories. This simple fashion act should be as natural to his character as the scent of sweet vermouth and the smokey smoothness of Dunhills. If you feel at all uncomfortable or discombobulated by this our guide will certainly steer you in the right direction. We are (as always) at your service!

Man, through fashion, has the ability to conjure a differing feel and style, a certain ‘je ne sais quoi’, quite unique from the lady gender of our species. It is the magic that creates society as we know it! And one must never dabble in that which we do not understand.

Fear not! Wayne will aid Sir unerringly!

(And by "aid", we mean of course "mock." And by "mock", good sir, we suggest that you are a "tosser.")


Tip the First: One should never wager that the more homogenous in shape or design a style is the more attention one will garner from the fair femmes. Alas, one slip--one minute faux pas and one's bed will continue to lack any hint of lavender or erotic lotion transfered to one's sheets through the sweat of passion. Instead you will grow forever more familiar with your own repugnant musk:

Such fashion abuse only confirms that you are unworthy of membership at the most indiscreet of gentleman’s club, and thus you shall remain clinging for life on the bottom most rung of society.


We hope that by now we have made our case clear.

The modern gentleman needs their own carefully crafted sense of individuality, they must be fully aware of the correct dress codes for their many social events and should have the ease and confidence to stand out from the masses, to stand up on their own and proclaim, through fashion, “I am a Gentleman! Refill my tumbler, poste haste!"

This, my friends, is what we do. Wayne’s Gentleman’s Guide to Spiffiness caters to these needs and with it, one simply cannot fail to impress!

Monday, February 20, 2006

Look Closely...

As I was cleaning out the memory card on the digital camera this evening, I came across this:


(Insert lame phallic joke here)

Thursday, February 16, 2006

A Little Life Lesson

Working in advertising definitely has its' ups and downs.

Take today for instance-- I was called out of the office for an important photo shoot.

"Wayne, you mustn't dally. We desperately need you to model. Join us post-haste. It's a truly spledid opportunity," said the Creative Director.

On a couple of occasions I have managed to make a few extra "squids" by volunteering various parts of my body to the better advertising good. My busted up, mangled hand (I broke it punching a cow about a year ago...true story) was absolutely perfect for a Halloween promotion. My ear was used for an airport poster advertising a local radio station and my hair (what there is of it) was Photoshopped onto a nice soft pillow for some damn thing or another. The point is, it's easy money.

(I would like to interrupt myself for a moment and let you in on a very important life lesson: Saying "Yes" to new opportunities is a good thing. Through them we grow and learn and become better people. But, and I say this out of love--out of a deep heart-felt comittment to all my loyal readers-- please, for the love of Pete, find out what the fuck you're saying "Yes" to.)

I won't tell you who the client is or what they sell. All I know is that some of the money is going toward a nice big fat bottle.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

It's Valentine's...Show Her You Care


INTRODUCING: WEIRD OLD WOMAN PERFUME!

PERFECT FOR ENCLOSED AREAS, SHOPPING AT WAL-MART, AND TORTURING INNOCENT BUSYBODIES WITH YOUR STENCH OF STYLE!

HUG SMALL CHILDREN! BRUSH AGAINST TOTAL STRANGERS! WITH W.O.W YOUR SMELL CAN NOW BE THEIR SMELL! PASS IT ON!

NEVER BE SUBTLE WHEN YOU CAN W.O.W. THEM!

AVAILABLE AT HABADASHARIES AND FINE GOSSIPY HAIRSALONS EVERYWHERE!


NOW WITH OPTIONAL PRESSURE PUMP ATTACHMENT FOR EASY APPLICATION!

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Tally-HO!

For those of you who have listened to Chapter 22 of Letter to America here is undeniable proof of my claim that I am indeed missing a tooth and that is why I occasionally "listhpsed" during my co-hosting duties. The toothless gap--and not the emasculating lack of sunshine in Ireland-- is the sole reason why I sounded less studly than most of you had imagined.

Observe:

This photo was taken just moments after I returned from my weekly foxhunt (every Sunday 2 pm SHARP!). The hunt was unsucessful but still a good time was had by all.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Liar. Liar.

I feel like I should explain about the photo I posted earlier this week which was this:



I lied.

It is not actually a photo of my long lost brother (Lord knows what I was thinking that day. I think I was thinking about being clever or some such nonesense--a whole wouldn't-it-be-fun-if-I-had-an-evil-twin-brother saga.).

No, this handsome rogue is actually me—circa 1992—back in my college newspaper editing days. Some smart ass (I’m not sure who, but I have my suspicions) must have done a Google on my name and found this pic on my old college website. I was not aware that this photo was still in existence, let alone published for the entire world to see. Damn internet.

Moments before this flattering pose was snapped the new exchange student cum staff photographer had just spilled Wild Turkey all over the advice column my then ex-girlfriend was laying out. (If I remember correctly the headline was, “Looking for Sympathy? Look in the dictionary between ‘Shit’ and ‘Syphilis” or something similar.)

“Straumanis!” I shouted. “I don’t know how you people do things in Latvia but here at the Central College Ray when we spill somebody's drink we refill the editor’s tumbler! And that, dear boy, would be mine. Hop to it!”

Obviously he didn’t understand proper Iowa etiquette because he attempted to fill my glass with Schnapps.

Puh-leez!” I protested. “Do I look like I play on the girl’s volleyball team? I’m an editor for chrissake!”

The frightened Straumanis babbled,“I hab madgeek peek-churr box! Some smile for me, heh-yesss?”

“Hummm... No. Now get the hell outta my face!”

What followed after that isn’t important; suffice it to say that it ended in tears, a black eye and me reluctantly agreeing to have my photo taken with the “madgeek peek-churr box.” (Apparently, Latvians are trained in kickboxing from their second birthday. That's a tip kids. Write it down.) But as you can see, I was not happy about it.

So Straumanis, if you sent this to me all I can say is “Ha. Ha. Boy, you sure burned me bad, you ginormous A-hole.”

(If it’s not you, how the hell are ya, anyway?)

Saturday, February 04, 2006

I'm HOT!!!


Apparently the word is out: I'm a hot manly beefcake. It's no surprise to me or my wife but now the rest of the world is in on the secret. Here's the proof:

hi, i have seen your profile on line you are...very very hotlets gettogether andhave some fun addme to msn,messenger ,my is hottielookingforfunlethave fun

These emails come to me almost every day and I feel bad for the lonely, lonely women who yearn for me so. I'm sorry, ladies. I'm off the market but here's a pic for you to hang on your walls. Sleep well, my dears. Sleep well.

Love,

Your Hotlets

Friday, February 03, 2006

A Day in the Life

Today, the new girl at work asked me, "What does a copywriter do?" (This is a very common question, not from the general public but from people who work upstairs in my office, believe it or not). Surprisingly, I had no answer for her and I was tempted to lob the I-don't-feel-like-talking-to-you-so-I'm-gonna-say-write-copy response. But tonight, for some reason, I actually tried to explain my job to her. The answer, after 10 minutes of Umming and Awwing was shockingly dull and I realized that I get paid to do...well, not much really.

For example, yesterday I billed 2 hours to a Mother's Day campaign for an Irish Cream Liqueur. My contribution? "mmmmmmmother's Day!". That's it. Two hours for two words which was billed out at about $1500, of which I will see about $30. (The client loved it, by the way.)