Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Why? Because I like you...

Since nobody bothered to guess which jokes I was referring to on Monday (or cared) I might as well tell you what they are. Keep in mind, me and the guys at work have been putting in some pretty unsociable hours so at the time (roughly 2 am) these knee-slappers seemed extra...uhm...knee slappy.

So without further ado, I give you...

JOKE #1:

Two midgets win the lottery and each decides to hire a prostitute to celebrate their new found wealth.

The first midget takes his prostitute into his hotel room and with lots of fuss and bother he finds that he can't get an erection. Dissappointed, he sends his prostitute home. After she leaves he puts his ear against the wall where his midget friend is entertaining his own lady of the evening. He hears his friend shouting, "One! Two! Three! Hummmph! One! Two! Three! Hummmph!"

The next morning the second midget asks his friend how his evening went.

"Well, to be honest, no matter what I did I just couldn't get an erection."

The second midget considers this for a minute and then says, "Well, you think that's bad. I couldn't even get on the bed."

Get it? "One! Two! Three! Hummph!" That's what the midget was saying when he was trying to get on the bed. Get it?

JOKE #2

Two nuns are driving down the road when a vampire lands on the hood of the car. One nun turns to the other and exclaims, "What should we do?"

The second nun says, "I know! Show him your cross!"

So the first nun jumps out of the car, flips off the vampire and shouts, "Get lost you wee twat!"

Over here in Ireland "cross" means "angry". The first nun misunderstood the second nun and thought she wanted her to show her how angry she was that the vampire landed on the hood of their car because he probably scratched the paint. Nuns are poor, you see. They can't afford fancy new paint jobs every time a vampire screws up the finish on their Fiat Punto. By the way, "twat" means the same thing in Ireland as it does in the States. It means the same thing as "fanny". I mean the meaning of "fanny" over here in Ireland, which means "twat". In the States "fanny" means "arse" which really means "butt". Either way, if you come to the UK don't ask where your "fanny pack" is or people will laugh and you won't know why. Unless you've read this...which isn't likely.)

BONUS JOKE:

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

BONUS BONUS JOKE:

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"

15 Comments:

Blogger Phil said...

Joke 1: Why didn't the prostitute just pull him up on the bed? Was this an extremely heavy midget?

Joke 2: There is no such thing a vampires.

7:32 pm  
Blogger Jimmy Porter said...

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field..

Thank you thank you, I'm here all week.

10:46 pm  
Anonymous Brianf said...

Wayne, You stole my favorite joke. Horse, bar, long face!!
so

What's a blondes mating call?
I am Sooooo drunk.

What's a brunettes mating call?
Hey, look the blonde left.

11:49 pm  
Blogger The Rev said...

The midget joke... never heard it before, and it made me spit Dunkin Donuts Vanilla Chai out my nose.

By the way... I can only assume the prostitute did not pull him up on the bed because it would have cost extra to do that.

3:17 pm  
Blogger WOA said...

Keep 'em coming, people...

7:24 pm  
Blogger Jefferson Davis said...

Awesome jokes Wayne...

You have exceeded your own potential once again. LOL...

The nun joke was great. Hell, I thought it was good, before I read the last part.

9:05 pm  
Anonymous Sue said...

BONUS BONUS BONUS JOKE:

Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender. "I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be ... one blood and one blood lite..."

(Okay...I heard that! Who groaned?)

4:28 pm  
Anonymous Sue said...

and another......

Two strings walked into the bar and the bartender told them to leave saying "we don't serve strings here!" One of the strings left, but the other more rough looking one remained seated. "Did you hear me?" Said the bartender. "I don't serve strings! Aren't you a string?"

"No" said the other, "I'm a frayed knot".

ouch!! Those tomatoes hurt!!!

4:33 pm  
Blogger The Rev said...

MacGregor walks into a bar in Scotland, sits next to a guy at the bar, and orders a pint. He seems really sad, so the guy asks him what is wrong.

MacGregor points outisde the window and says "See that fence out there, lad? I built that fence with me own two hands. But do they call me MacGregor the Fence Builder... NOOOO!"

He then points to the pier on the water outside the fence and says "See that pier out there, lad? I built that pier with me own two hands. But do they call me MacGregor the Pier Builder... NOOOO!"

Then, MacGregor looks both ways and whispers to the man...

"But you fuck one goat..."

5:48 pm  
Blogger WOA said...

And yet another...

A man applies for a job on a farm. The farmer asks him, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

The man answers, "No, but I once told a mule to fuck off."

Ahhh, thank you...

6:29 pm  
Anonymous Brianf said...

Three Gentlemen were sitting at a bar enjoying their favorite adult beverage. There was a Texan drinking Tequila and a New Yorker having a glass of wine and a guy from Pennsylvania enjoying a Yuengling Chesterfield Ale.
The guy from Texas finishes his Tequila and turns to the other two. He throws the bottle up in the air. Pulls his pistol, covers the bottle and shoots it out of the air. He then turns to the other two and says, ”I’m from Texas, the largest state in the union and we have the biggest and the best of everything there…….and we have LOTS of Tequila.
Not to be outdone the New Yorker finishes off his glass of wine, picks up the bottle, throws it in the air, pulls his pistol, covers the bottle and shoots it. Whereupon he turns to the others and proclaims, “I’m from New York City. We have everything the world offers. We have the best museums, the best theaters, the best restaurants, the best wine from all over the world, the best of everything the world offers. If it exists we get it first and long before any one else. New York, New York so nice they named it twice and we have PLENTY of wine.”.
Well the guy from Shendo’(Shenandoah, Schuylkill county) decides he has to get into this as well. He downs his Chesterfield, throws the bottle in the air, pulls his pistol and shoots the New Yorker, catches the bottle as it falls, shows it to the Texan and says, “I’m from Pennsylvania and where I’m from we recycle these and we have way too many New Yorkers!”.


I told ya' it was long!

10:25 pm  
Anonymous Jama said...

Rumsfeld is reporting to the President and the Cabinet.

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

The President says,"Oh,my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George Bush shows no reaction
whatsoever to these reports.

Just then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian??"

10:16 pm  
Anonymous sue said...

LMFAO. I love that one!

3:34 pm  
Blogger WOA said...

Very good. Of course everyone knows a 'Brazilian' is somewhere between 'Eleventee-three' and 'Twenty-teen'. I mean, it's soooo obvious where that joke was going...

5:28 pm  
Blogger Phil said...

Did you know Bill doesn't have a last name?

6:10 pm  

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